Poisonous Chickens

I need to be more conscientious about this blogging thing if I’m going to use this as my mode of communication.

But at the same time, I think it’s good that I didn’t blog about how England’s been so far last week, cos it would have been a very emo post. And that’s not a good thing, aye.

Anyway, alright, last week was bad.

It turns out that instead of getting the hall with all the music peeps, as I’d hoped, I ended up with the hall with all the rich kids. And we know what a pain in the posterior they can all be. It’s even worse cos I’m like this little Chinese kid…in the dinner queue people can just go around introducing themselves right over my head, and at the dinner table people just pointedly ignore me. As a result I only had one dinner in hall last week – I ate out with my dad the rest of the week to avoid feeling depressed. And it’s quite terrible that everywhere you go you get the feeling that people are judging you…

Then I spent the weekend at my Aunt’s place in Manchester, and HOO-BOY, was that a relief. It’s great to be back with family in a place where you know you’re appreciated, no matter how you dress, how you talk, etc. (For reasons strange and unknown, they keep laughing at me whenever I say "you’re so sad" like when people are missing out on stuff in life. -shrugs- )

And worship in church on Sunday was good (: God really spoke to me and reminded me that my identity was in Him, and it really didn’t matter what those prissy -insert bad word in plural form- think about me, because seriously, I’m not meant to be like them anyway. And when I’ve got God backing me, WHO CAN STAND AGAINST ME ?! :D

Ohoh, Sunday was exciting too cos my cousin’s boyfriend accepted Christ, and it was really great to see how God touched Him. My dad said that God really made me hit the ground running here – I’ve got a Bible study tutee in Leeds already! (Oh yeah for those who don’t know, he’s studying in the other uni in Leeds.) That will also be good for keeping me on track with QT and getting to know the Word better, since I famously use the HIV (* Hilary’s Interpreted Version. -pauses- I need to find another acronym.)

Classes have been good so far. I may not know anything about law or what I’m even in for, since I’m in uni like, totally randomly. No, scratch that – BY FAITH. But still, I realise that if I swing into debate mode it usually solves my problems with boring lecturers (there’s this dude who, to quote one of my classmates, speaks at the amazing rate of two words a minute) and understanding cheem law concepts. So yeah, things been good so far (:

I’m gonna head off for my first torts lecture now! Hope it’s a good one! -thumbs up-

PS, Windows Live Spaces is closing down. Possibly because I am their only user. Anw, I have the option to migrate to WordPress – does anyone know if this is worth doing, or should I just get another blog on like blogger or livejournal etc? Opinions please! :D

I really should get this blog up and going again, since I’m far away from all you people who matter most in my life, and msging everyone individually through facebook has been a little tiring and time-consuming, lol. NOT THAT YOU GUYS ARE NOT WORTH MY TIME :S Just that every night by the time I get to the comp it’s like 11 plus and I have to wake up at 7 in the morning to shower and stuff before breakfast at 8. (Technically, I can go down for breakfast later…but I’ll explain why not later.) Also, as I msg each of you guys individually, I miss out different bits of the story, and well, that’s not a very good thing, is it. (As I found out from Elsa’s case lol. "Not all ang mohs are very extroverted people" – I think I cleared that up with you alr ;) ) I mean, I can copy and paste, but I don’t want tooooo cos that’s not very personal ): So yes, I shall do my best to report what’s been happening on this blog.

At the moment, well, as much as I want to write something about the last few days and what a challenge it’s been, I feel what I think might be my first head cold coming up. Not a nice thing. Mainly cos I had to walk home tonight in the freezing rain, and I haven’t gotten a jacket with a hood yet. Oh happy day.

So I should be off to bed now.

Note to self:
– Chuck one panadol down.
– Stick shoes and violin case under heater (Cos they got wet in the walk home.)

Take care everyone in Singapore, and I’ll blog again – with more details – soon! :D

Whoa, it’s been more than a month since the last post. But I’m not gonna let anyone scream "dead blog!!" just yet (:

So after an agonisingly long wait, during which I checked my email everyday for even the slightest whisper from UCAS, I finally got accepted into University of Leeds.

And this is the part where people are supposed to cheer.

But my closest friends have all gone "oh".

And even as I grin them down and put up an Emmy-deserving performance of putting a lid on bubbling excitement, I get tired of the facade myself.

Who am I kidding – YES, I AM GOING TO MISS EVERYONE SO MUCH.

I can’t put into words the rest of what I want to say for tears.

–//–

Visited NAFA yesterday for a piano concert put up by the Year 2 and 3 students. Must say, it was great being back, even though I didn’t get to meet the composers and it was really just Leonard, Joshua and Alex whom I had a chance to talk to.

But even then, it was just GREAT. I don’t even know why I’m being so emphatic about a feeling…maybe it was the honest camaraderie shared amongst everyone there. And I didn’t get a single dirty "oh my shit it’s you" look. Music always has that effect on people, you know? It just brings everyone together. Because you bare your soul through your music.

Haha I don’t know why I’m being so profound.

But it really made ask myself again – why, WHY did I leave NAFA? Was it because I wanted, for once, not to do things merely for the sake of keeping friends around me? (Which is in itself as stupid a reason as the opposite would be.) Why did I not choose to enter a world that would possibly have been safer than the cutthroat world of law? Why did I not persevere, hang on a little longer till I had regained my footing in my music, as I have today?

Am I really going in the right direction, by walking away?

Why, why must it be this path?

• Omg, I’m gonna lose my voice.
• Omg, I’m gonna lose my hearing.
• The girls are taking shelter under the table. Maybe I should too. No – need to keep an eye on that boy who’s waving the dustpan around above his head.
• If Mrs Tan comes in now, I’m gonna lose my job and the kids are gonna be executed.
• I should aim to lose my voice by tomorrow.

If I had words to make a day for you
I’d sing you a morning golden and true
I’d make this day last for all time
Give you a night deep in moonshine

When you have eaten and you are satisfied, praise the Lord for the good land He has given you.
Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God, failing to observe His commands, His laws and His decrees that I am giving you today.
Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down,
when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied,
then your heart will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.
He brought you water out of hard rock.
He gave you manna to eat in the desert, something your fathers had never known, to humble and to test you so that in the end it might go well with you.
You might say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me",
But remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms His covenant, which He swore to your forefathers, as it is today.

[Deuteronomy 8:10-18]

Pride is a very creepy sneaky thing.

It is so easy to attempt to do things by our own strength, attempting to drive our lives in the direction we see as best.

Consulting God is seen as a sign of weakness. Or perhaps we don’t want to trouble God with our little issues – He’s got a whole world full of problems to run!

But at the same time, can there be any plan other than the Lord’s?

I usually refrain from asking God about every little itty bitty thing cos I thought a lot of things just weren’t important enough. Big things like exams, humiliation in front of the entire orchestra, yeah I’d pray about that, but little things like homework…nah, I’ll save God the trouble and do it myself. (Then there’s the problem of me seeing myself as Queen of Second Place and not deserving of God’s perfect plan.)

But as I sit here in front of yet another piece of blank manuscript paper and crumpled manuscript piling up on either side of me, I realise how foolish I’ve been.

Ask God for ideas, because He is the source of all of them anyway.

And because God is the source of all ideas, it won’t be as repetitive as something produced by yourself.

God will never give up on you because He’s already promised that He won’t.

And if there’s one person who will never break a promise, it’s God.

I can’t really explain the past week.

I saw myself slowly drifting away from God in the last week. Slowly slipping away, slowly forgetting. Attempting to take charge of my life, my music, attempting to drive myself in the right direction, down the right path. And while I remained aware of the Creator God, I still managed to forget Him. (It’s complicated.)

Then by Saturday, I couldn’t take it anymore, I just felt so dirty. It’s hard to explain why I did it – I grabbed my QT stuff, left my home for the HDB blocks across the road, and planted myself at the void deck to do QT. Like finally.

And I realised then the importance of spending time talking to God. Yeah, we can remember that He’s there, remember that He exists, check the Bible to see that we’re doing the right thing. But more than that, God also calls us into a relationship with Him. And what is a relationship without spending time with Him, getting to know Him, and talking to Him about life? I’d been so needy this week, for friends, for musical ideas, for a direction in life – then on Saturday morning, God showed me that really, all I need is Him.

How cool is that?

–//–

Lifecon FD2 really touched me tonight.

While I’d always been able to talk about God’s love to other people, I don’t think I ever quite understood it myself.

I’ve always had a tough time accepting myself. Denying that I’m genetically very female, just because on the surface with the low voice and muscular limbs and aversion to pink made me a failure as a female. Feeling inferior cos I’m short (eh but seriously, I don’t mind people poking fun at my height so no need to feel too badly about it (: ), being ashamed of my own skin. I was brought up in a harsh environment, facing both condemnation in school and from my mum. It’s really by God’s grace that I’m still alive today.

Even today, I occasionally question whether I’m accepted by people around me. Surely, I think, the skin will get to them soon. I gross people out. I have attitude problems. I’m short.

(Yes, I think I’m more insecure than I appear. Once again, I have no explanation for this.)

I asked myself tonight, "Will there really be anyone out there who can love me for who I am?"

And that’s when I realised that YES, there IS someone who does. And in fact, that person MADE me this way.

No, I do not need a boyfriend to feel loved and accepted. No, not fashion nor achievements. No, not the identity I have chosen to craft for myself.

"Beautifully and wonderfully made in His image" – today I understand. (: